I understand why people say it. It’s comforting, it softens the past and it makes failure feel cleaner than it actually was.

But I don’t think it’s true.

Sometimes things do matter. Sometimes you do waste an opportunity and sometimes you still go on to build a really good life anyway.

Both can exist at the same time.

I got kicked out of college in my fourth year.

I had gotten into Cal Poly with a 2.0 GPA from high school, one of only two schools that accepted me. And I showed up with the exact same mindset I’d had in high school.

I wasn’t disciplined or a hard worker. I had this inflated belief that I could show up for tests, think through things logically, and get by on capability alone. I didn’t think consistent effort was required for someone like me.

And honestly? I didn’t want to put it in.

It was beautiful there. The weather was perfect so I chose the pool over class, ease over responsibility, again and again. My transcript reflected it-speckled with D’s.

Eventually, in my fourth year, I got the letter. Academic disqualification. I was out. But, they gave me a path back. Community college for a semester and if I got solid grades I would be allowed back in.

The scary thing is I don’t remember being that shaken by it. Looking back, that in itself says a lot about my mindset at 20.

Around the same time, my husband and I got engaged. We moved home. He transferred to finish his degree somewhere else. I made loose plans to “figure it out.” Six months later we were married. Shortly after that, I was pregnant.

And at that point, I was completely fine leaving college behind. More than fine- I was relieved. I was ready to raise a family and I had no desire to look back.

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Fast far forward.

Today I run a successful business and I’ve built a life I’m genuinely proud of. I’ve proven to myself, in more ways than one, that I am capable of building something real.

And here’s where most people wrap the story up and say: See? It didn’t matter. But that’s not what I believe. It did matter.

I had an education being paid for and I squandered it. Not because I wasn’t capable, but because I wasn’t disciplined. Because I chose what felt good over what would actually serve me. And that choice had a cost.

When I was 30, I made an almost impulsive decision to go back and finish my degree. Within a week, I was enrolled.

I had three young daughters at home and was a stay-at-home mom. On top of that I decided to take 20 units a semester to finish as fast as possible (a four-year degree because of a major change and repairing all the D’s in two years) then a postgraduate degree a year after that.

I’m really proud of that.

But it was hard in a way it didn’t have to be. It was stressful and inefficient and it required a kind of focused intensity that would have been so much lighter at 21. I paid for it myself. I managed it alongside three kids and a household. I was already navigating the early hormonal shifts of perimenopause that make everything feel heavier than it used to.

I made it work. But it was a much harder version of the same outcome.

What bothers me about the it didn’t matter narrative is what it quietly erases.

There IS such a thing as wasted time. There IS such a thing as making your own life harder than it needed to be. And recovering from something doesn’t mean the detour was free.

At the same time, I don’t believe one decision, or even a series of them, gets to define the ceiling of what your life can become.

Both of those things are true. And I think we do each other a disservice when we flatten it into one.

For me, going back wasn’t about needing the degree. I don’t use it in any direct way. My business would be exactly where it is without it.

It was about integrity.

I didn’t want to look back and know I’d left something open because I hadn’t had the discipline to close it. I didn’t want that version of myself- the one who walked away from hard things- to be the final version.

So I went back and I closed it and that still feels good.

What I think about most now especially as I talk to my own daughters, is the gap between what we tell young people and what we should.

There’s this idea that gets passed around, generation after generation: that you’re supposed to make mistakes when you’re young. That it’s how you figure out who you are. That failure is part of the process.

There’s truth in that, but there’s also a flaw in it that I think we’ve let slide too long.

Failure isn’t a green light. It’s not a get-out-of-jail card. And “this is my time to figure it out” is not the same thing as permission to make choices you already know are wrong.

I wrote this to my girls last year:

“If a choice or mistake knowingly and directly jeopardizes your character- if it goes against what you know to be right, if you know it will hurt you- it will never be the right choice. Youth is absolutely a time to figure out who you are. But never dilute your morals and character to justify bad decisions.”

I think we perpetuate an unnecessary disservice when we romanticize the detour. When we treat wasted time like a rite of passage. Some of it is, but not all of it. And we’ve gotten too flexible about which is which.

I’m not interested in the cleaned-up version of my own story. I took a path that was harder than it needed to be, and I arrived at a life I love. Both of those sentences are true at the same time, without one canceling out the other.

What I know now, sitting on this side of it, is that integrity doesn’t wait for you to be ready. Discipline isn’t something you grow into eventually.

The version of yourself you’re proud of- she’s built in the ordinary moments, the unglamorous choices, the times when ease was right there and you chose the harder thing anyway.

I wish I’d known that at 19.

Busy.

Not “good.” Not “hard.” Not “exciting” or “messy” or “I’m figuring something out.” Just…… busy.

And I get it because I don’t know how many times I’ve said that, too. But I’ve started to think that busy is the most accepted form of avoidance we have. It sounds productive and responsible. It sounds like you’re doing the work. It sounds like your identity. But busy and productive are not the same thing and confusing the two might be the most expensive mistake a female founder makes.

Here’s what I see again and again when I sit down with clients: full calendars, long to-do lists, genuine exhaustion…. and businesses that aren’t moving. When we do an audit together, the pattern is almost always the same. The vast majority of their time is buried in operational and admin tasks. The work that actually grows the business- revenue development, new relationships, bold decisions- is getting the scraps. The leftovers. The “I’ll get to that when things calm down” slot that never comes.

Things don’t calm down. Don’t we all know this?

Busy has stopped being a circumstance and it’s become an identity. And identity is far harder to shed than a bad habit. When someone asks how you are and “busy” is your automatic answer, you’re not describing your week; you’re describing how you see yourself.

And if you’ve built your identity around being the woman who can handle everything, slowing down to do the right work starts to feel like failure.

It isn’t. It’s the whole point.

The Three Buckets

Your time, and your energy, should be moving across three buckets:

1. Revenue & Growth: business development, new clients, partnerships, visibility, the work that brings money and momentum in. This is the hardest bucket to fill because it’s the most uncomfortable. It requires putting yourself out there, tolerating uncertainty, doing things that don’t have guaranteed outcomes. So we avoid it. And we call that avoidance busy.

2. Operations & Stability: the work that keeps the machine running. Admin, client delivery, systems, team management. Essential. But this bucket has a way of eating everything if you let it.

3. Personal: your health, your family, your relationships, your own maintenance. Not a luxury. A requirement. Of course you need to make doctor’s calls, email the school, manage family schedules, figure out rides. But, it also doesn’t pay the bills.

Most overwhelmed founders I know are living almost entirely in bucket 2 and wondering why nothing is growing.

Questions to Sit With This Week

• When you look at your calendar, what percentage of your time last week was in Revenue & Growth versus Operations?

• What’s one thing you’ve been putting off that would genuinely move your business forward and what have you been doing instead?

• When you say you’re busy, what are you actually doing? Be honest.

• Is your busy making you money or just making you tired?

• What would you have to stop doing to protect time for the work that actually matters?

You don’t need a new productivity system. You need to be honest about where your time is going and what it’s actually producing.

Busy is a story. Productive is a result. Only one of them grows your business.

STRATEGY: One Audit. This Week.

Here’s your one action item:

Block 30 minutes this week and audit your last 5 working days. Write down every task you completed and sort each one into its bucket- Revenue & Growth, Operations, or Personal. Don’t judge it, just look at it. The data will tell you everything you need to know about why things are or aren’t moving.

You can’t fix what you won’t look at.

STYLE: The Everything Pant

I made a rule for myself- no leggings during the day unless I’m actively working out or about to. It sounds small but it genuinely changed how I carry myself through a workday.

The replacement I keep reaching for on the days I’m dying to wear leggings right now is the Vuori Villa Wide Leg Pant. They are breezy, impossibly soft and somehow manage to feel ultra chic without trying at all. I’ve worn them out to dinner with a blazer. I’ve worn them at my desk with a cashmere sweater. I’ve thrown a casual sweatshirt on top on slower mornings. Every single combination works.

There’s something about getting dressed with intention- even when you work from home, even when no one is watching- that signals to your own brain that today is a working day. That you showed up for yourself before you showed up for anyone else.

FOOD: The Productive Woman’s Lunch

I’ve been eating the same lunch almost every day.

Here’s why I love it: I can plate it in under three minutes, sit down with the newspaper, and actually enjoy what I’m eating. No cooking, no decisions, no standing over the stove. Just good food that I genuinely look forward to.

The lineup:

• Fishwife tinned fish- I rotate between the smoked salmon and the lemon tuna, straight from the tin. If you haven’t tried Fishwife yet, this is your sign. The quality is genuinely different and I find myself looking forward to it every single day.

• Pickled Planet dill sauerkraut- I love the tang of saurkraut but it has to hit a few things for me. The texture AND flavor of this one is SO good.

• Brodo bone broth- I love bone broth, but only GOOD bone broth. Plain ones just don’t cut it for me. Brodo is premeir and it tastes like it. I am obsesssed with the coconut curry lime and spicy nonna. And one pack is an additional 10g protein.

• Kalona SuperNatural cottage cheese with cara cara oranges- this combination is delightful. Any fruit is great but seasonal Cara Cara is killing it for me right now.

I always finish it feeling like I took care of myself which, in the middle of a full work day, is not nothing. It’s easy, intentional, and actually delicious.

Have a beautiful week, friends.

Alexis

It’s how interested she remained.

In a world that quietly invites women to shrink, dull, harden, or withdraw as they age, she did the opposite. She stayed awake. She stayed engaged. She stayed curious about the world around her until the very end.

Here are the themes I see when I reflect on her life.

1. THERE WAS NO PEAK. THERE WAS EXPANSION.

It would be easy to look at her early life and assume that was the peak.

A master’s degree in astronomy in 1942 from Wellesley College. She worked at MIT and Berkeley during World War II as a “human computer,” solving massive equations by hand to assess bombing damage. A woman in science at a time when that was rare so it reads like the highlight reel.

But that wasn’t the peak. It was the beginning.

What strikes me now isn’t that she accomplished impressive things in her 20s. It’s that she never seemed to decide she had already had her most interesting years.

She later went on to have 4 sons (my Father and 3 wonderful Uncles). And after those years where you have to give parenting so much attention, she added new things to her life. She became an art docent in LA and later in Santa Cruz and prepared for tours with the same thoroughness that I’m sure she brought to wartime calculations- walking through exhibitions beforehand, taking notes, forming impressions so she could lead students well. She became an artist and taught herself to paint in oils and pastels at 40 and filled her home with her own work that the whole family marvels at.

She helped design and build a prayer garden and columbarium at her church after researching other models and presenting the idea to the board. She participated in weekly bridge nights, golfed for decades, read the Harvard Health newsletter, followed world events closely, and traveled well into her hundreds. Her last trip was at 103 to Boston where she and I went to visit my Uncles and go see Wellesley again.

As an observer, there didn’t seem to be a moment where she seemed to think, “Well, that was my era.” And I think that’s something many women unconsciously decide.

We absorb this quiet narrative that our most interesting years are behind us- that the fun and free decade, the big degree, the early career, the intense motherhood years, the visible accomplishments were the summit. And after that we just hope towe maintain or stabilize. And maybe with time become smaller.

Doesn’t it sometimes feel like we are always waiting for the next phase?

When the kids are older, I’ll finally do that thing.
When my schedule is lighter, I’ll travel.
When the marriage settles, I’ll invest in myself.
When the business is less demanding, I’ll learn something new.

My Grandma never seemed to wait for permission from a future version of her life. She kept becoming inside the life she was in.

She was still reading, still learning, still adjusting her diet based on new research, still trying a new recipe (even when it flopped), still curious about what was happening in the world. She would talk about politics one minute, a tennis match the next, then ask you real questions about your own life and actually listen to the answer. She wanted to know what was unfolding -in the world and in you.

Somewhere along the way, many women unconsciously decide they have peaked and she, clearly, never made that decision.

Her early brilliance wasn’t the high point of her story. It was the platform she kept building from.

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2. DELIGHT AS A DISCIPLINE

There was something else she practiced that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

Delight- this steady, attentive interest in the people in front of her and the world around her.

When you sat with her, she didn’t just ask how you were to be polite. She wanted to know. What were you working on? What were you reading? Did you see the latest news headline? How was school really going? What was happening in your friendships? What were you thinking about lately?

And she listened.

Not with that distracted half-attention we’ve somehow deemed and accepted as “normal”. She listened in a way that made you feel like your life was unfolding in front of someone who was genuinely invested in it. A few days later she might call and follow up. Or send an email with an article she’d read because it reminded her of something you said. I can’t tell you how many newspaper articles she would drop off at my door or send me in college.

She was not overly emotional or overly nurturing. She wasn’t the kind of grandmother who said, “Come sit in my lap.” She was more likely to say, “What are you doing with your life? What’s next? What’s the plan?”

Her interest sharpened you.

I realize now that delight isn’t always a natural feeling. It is a discipline. It is far easier to turn inward, to become preoccupied with our own stress, our own aches, our own disappointments.

It’s easy to let conversations become transactional. To ask questions without really wanting the answer.

She never seemed bored by any of us.

Even with four sons, ten grandchildren, twenty-one great-grandchildren, she kept showing up curious about each of us as individuals. She delighted in who we were becoming.

And I think that’s part of what kept her alive in the fullest sense. She stayed engaged not just with the world at large, but with the small, unfolding details of other people’s lives.

She didn’t numb.
She noticed.

There is something deeply instructive in that.

As women building businesses, raising families, navigating midlife, optimizing our health, it’s easy to become efficient instead of interested. We move quickly. We problem-solve. We manage.

But delight requires slowing down long enough to really see.

I’m not talking about softness. I’m talking about attention. And attention is a choice.

3. DON’T LET IT HARDEN YOU

She was born in 1918. Before she was 30, she had lived through the Spanish Fly, the Great Depression and World War II. Hardship was not abstract to her; it was formative.

In her 50s, she endured a divorce she did not want. In her 70s she had breast cancer. In her 80s she lost a son.

That kind of suffering changes people.

For many people I’ve known, suffering narrows them and ultimately hardens them.

But she did not harden.

When I was fourteen, she had taken me on a trip to the East coast and as we were walking around, I decided to ask her a question that I had burning in my young teenage brain. I asked her how she didn’t carry bitterness about the things that had happened in her life. I was young enough to assume that resentment would be natural and justified. She listened, then said very authentically that holding onto anger would only rob her of her own joy and that it would be a waste of her time and energy.

There was no drama in her answer. No denial either.

She had simply decided not to let it harden her.

And you could see that decision in the way she moved through the world. She did not shift tone when someone left the room. She did not carry an edge in her humor. She had strong opinions (she was not timid) but she was steady and consistent. Who she was in public was who she was in private.

Her faith worked the same way. She did not talk about it constantly. She embodied it. I think she trusted that what needed to be worked out would be worked out between her and God but she didn’t spill her unrest onto everyone around her.

It would have been understandable if she had withdrawn after everything she endured.

Yet, instead she waded through the suffering and always came out the other side, as if anything different was never considered an option.

4. HEALTH AS A RESPONSIBILITY

When she was 105, she had fallen and hit her head and had a huge gash in both her head and arm. I was worried she might have a concussion so I spent the night. I heard her rustling early in the morning and as I went into her room, she was exercising.

She woke up every morning and exercised. Even after a massive fall.

I watched her warm up her body in bed before getting up, stretch, use a big exercise ball and lift light weights.

Breakfast was two poached eggs and spinach. Dinner always included two vegetables. She read the Harvard Health newsletter. She followed emerging research. She adjusted her diet. “Your salmon HAS to be wild, Alexis”. She made her own yogurt for years. She used yogurt instead of cream cheese in her mashed potatoes (much to the dismay of my cousins and I).

She did Sudoku. (I still can’t figure out Sudoku, by the way). Brain exercises, courses and books. She always seemed to have 4 books on the table- 1 spiritual, 1 health and 1 of historical interest, 1 art.

Was there some vanity in there? Of course. She also he cared about skincare and the newest skin devices. She made sure she looked put together and noticed it when I did. (And when I didn’t.)

But mostly, I think it was stewardship.

She treated her vitality as a responsibility, not something to complain about.

In an era where women are either told to fight aging aggressively or surrender to it passively, she did something else entirely.

She participated in it in her way.

5. RESOURCEFUL-BUT NOT SMALL

Her resourcefulness was something you clearly observed.

She grew up in the shadow of the Great Depression, the only child of a dentist in Pennsylvania, from a long line of Americans and because of that and because of that I can only imagine someone from that generation did not assume excess. You assumed responsibility. You learned how to make things last and to make things work.

But what I always admired about her is that her resourcefulness didn’t ever seem like it was coming from scarcity and obscurity.

If a tablecloth didn’t fit a table, she didn’t complain about it- she made one. If a piece of furniture felt ‘meh’, she refinished it. She sewed curtains. She knit her own clothes. She needlepointed covers for piano benches and pillows. She made incredible placements. If she saw something she liked and thought, “I could probably make that,” she usually did.

During COVID, when there was talk of mask shortages, I showed up at her house and she showed me how to turn an old bra into a mask (I sure wish I would’ve taken a photo of that). She was well into her hundreds at that point, still problem-solving, still adapting.

There was a steady confidence in that- not loud, not “entrepreneurial” in the modern sense- but deeply capable.

At the same time, she was not frugal in a way that felt tight or fearful. She loved a St. John suit. She cared about her nice skincare. She drove sporty Lexus convertibles. She took the entire family (all thirty-five of us) out to dinners and vacations for many years. She funded education generously and gave generous gifts.

I guess it’s sort of simple- She spent where she saw value. She saved where she saw waste or ability to do it herself.

It seems like there was a wise discernment in it.

I don’t think she was regularly impressed by unnecessary upgrades or emotional spending. But if something supported health, learning, enhancement, or gathering people together, she leaned in and didn’t hesitate.

I think sometimes we confuse resourcefulness with restriction. We think being careful with money means being small. Or we think abundance means spending without thought.

As an observer, I think maybe her philosophy was make what you can, fix what you can, invest where it matters.

Since she passed, I’ve found myself replaying small moments more than the big ones.

When I think about the years of life I got to spend with her, it doesn’t feel like a single peak or a highlight reel. It feels like a long, steady expansion. A woman who kept becoming and adjusting. Who kept reading and learning and hosting and forgiving and showing up.

She lived through pandemics and wars and economic collapse. She endured personal loss and struggle that would have justified retreat. And yet none of it made her smaller.

She stayed interested.

Not in a loud, restless or distracted way, but in a steady, attentive way. Interested in what was happening in the world. Interested in what was happening in you. Interested in what was unfolding next.

I don’t know how long any of us are given. But I keep thinking about that quiet refusal to withdraw and the louder resolve to thrive.

There was no life peak.There was only life participation. And that feels like legacy worth carrying on.

One more thing just for her and I.

On the trip she took me on to the East coast, we were in Sag Harbor, New York on my Uncle’s boat. It was late at night and we were on the deck laying on pillows with blankets looking up at the stars as she was showing me constellations. I was having a hard time focusing because I was ridiculously homesick and had been for days.

She pointed up to the moon and said, “You don’t need to be homesick. Your parents and you are both under the same moon.” And stabilizing in that made me feel rooted and calm and it’s a truth I’ve carried on with my own children no matter how far away they are.

Grandma, no matter what and where, we will always be under the same moon.

But, life was chaotic. And beyond the busyness, their was inner chaos happening that I can now, 10 years later, see so clearly.

My hormones were starting to go haywire.

Now, at the time I don’t think I knew the term ‘perimenopause’ , (Thank God education in this area has grown since then.) The other thing is my Mom never talked about menopause and still won’t. So I’m clueless as to what her patterns and age were.

Here’s what I was feeling: out of control, moments of rage, anxiety and fluttering and racing heart. And where I know we can look back at what was going on in my life and blame it on that, knowing where I’m at now with my hormones, I know that I was in the trenches of perimenopause.

The two areas I felt this most were in my parenting and my marriage. Since work was the ‘controllable’ and fueled my passion, that felt the best for me.

I don’t want this to turn into a personal therapy session, but I’ll just say that I have offered to pay for my own girl’s therapy to heal from their mother wounds I inflicted. I was often chaotic, impatient, I rushed all the time, I had too high of expectations and I was anxious about near everything. I felt exhausted, but none of this felt within reason.

Maybe that’s one of the biggest first indicators of perimenopause: the feeling that what your feeling doesn’t feel within reason.

And the same could be said for my marriage. I was a control freak. I felt a neurotic urge to nag and control. When I was upset, I was UPSET.

Years later I remember going to therapy and my therapist introducing me to the window of tolerance. And I was like, “Oh…. that’s my life.” There wasn’t a long ‘window of tolerance’ where I was operating in the optimal zone. In those years, I was often in hyperarousal or would crash in hypoarousal.

Image on https://www.mindmypeelings.com/blog/window-of-tolerance

In my 30s, I basically lived on life’s seesaw and felt like I had no control over which side I was on.

I remember feeling like, ‘This isn’t right.” So I went to 3 different doctors over those years. Let me share my experiences because I’m sure some of you could relate with these.

The first doctor was an DO who was a lovely, older man and well-intended. I remember gong to see him after a full day of teaching with my 3 daughters in tow because I didn’t have after school help. He very sweetly recognized why I was in such a chaotic state (trying to manage 3 kids while having a doctors appointment) and said I just needed to work on being calm and gave me some breathing techniques and told me to find a song to sing when I was feeling anxious. While in retrospect this felt like medical gaslighting, it was my first introduction into breath work and for that I’m grateful.

A couple years later I had heard about hormones and perimenopause and found a local DNP who specialized in hormones. I felt like I finally found someone- a woman (phew!) who must understand this and would finally help me figure things out. She ran my labs prior and when we met, she said everything looked normal and suggested a couple supplements and sent me on my way.

Then finally, a couple years later I heard about another osteopath that I knew did something with ‘bioidentical hormones’. This doctor finally listened to my feelings. He didn’t just base a solution on my labs. He listened about my emotional challenges, asked more questions and started me on a low dose of progesterone. I was 38 when I started progesterone. Progesterone helped a little with my emotions. It wasn’t a drastic change, but it was a start. The other thing that think made this experience sub-optimal is that with most doctors, you go once a year. Our cycle change monthly.

I was living in inner-chaos for years. It wasn’t just my career choices, it was massive fluctuations of hormones that no one would listen to me about.

My body was whispering to me, “This isn’t right.” and every one else was telling me to just calm down.

And so I just tried to deal. But, it was hurtful to those around me at times and caused problems for them and for me that never needed to happen. But, it’s like trying to tell a young kid with severe ADHD to self regulate on demand. It’s not gonna happen.

I wish, so deeply, that someone would have helped me help myself. And that’s why I’m writing this Substack today. Because if you don’t feel right, it’s not your fault and nothing is WRONG with you. Your hormones are just changing. Constantly.

The first few years of my 40s were okay. I was still taking progesterone. My periods started having some irregularities like longer periods, shorter ones, less time between more time between. Then eventually I started fully missing periods then starting to miss them more regularly. I had frozen shoulder when I turned 40 (which I know now was ALL hormonal). But, I wasn’t as emotional (I also chalk some of this up to 40s really being a super decade for women).

But at 44, my libido dropped off the charts. And it was fast. At that point there was far more education and awareness around hormones and perimenopause and the major bonus was that I was friends with a group of women at this point that we were all experiencing symptoms of some sort and all trying to get dialed in. (Quick note: get the best group of girl friends who has the same life goals as you in your health, relationships, spiritual and everything. It makes life so much better). And I realized I probably needed more than progesterone and I also wanted to work with a doctor to help me navigate all the fluctuations.

I’m going to move at warp speed now and tell you I started working with Lifeforce. And with Lifeforce, they do quarterly labs which is brilliant. At my age of 46 now, I’m on all the hormones at this point and I feel FABULOUS. Of course there are seasons where things aren’t as good as others because this is still life. But, I feel better now than I have in my entire life.

I finally feel like my body and I are harmonious.

After all these years I don’t feel at war with my body and emotions. And the funny thing is that my doctor thinks I’m almost at the end of perimenopause and through menopause (If I don’t get a period for another few months). I haven’t had one hot flash and have had more emotional regulation the last 2 years then I did for decades before.

All of our journeys are unique. But, I hope that I give one woman who thinks “Something isn’t feeling right” the validation that it doesn’t need to be this way. We can’t just rely on our period to tell us when things are off. We have to be in tune with our emotions and with the inner voice and deeper wisdom that we so often silence.

Women, we are not meant to suffer. We don’t need to join the narrative that it’s our lot to labor through these years and be a slave to our changing hormones. We may not often have control over emotional messes, weight gain, disinterest in our parters, exhaustion, body temperature waves, skin changes, hair loss, new body odors, rage, apathy, but we are in charge of how we tackle the symptoms.

And there is so much we CAN do and should do because we are not meant to go silently into the night and to become hollow shells of ourselves.

I have no idea what the answer is for you, what your hormonal and supplemental cocktail should be. But, what I do know is that there is education, support, products and services out there that will help make this time not only as easy as possible, but possibly get you feeling like I do now- which is better than ever before.

If you don’t feel like yourself, listen to that voice.

I have always loved business. Growing up as the oldest of 6 children, when my sisters I would play make believe, I would set up businesses. I would labor hours into getting systems set up for my shoe shop or book shop. I would create workflows and check outs and inventory systems and organize everything and ‘market’ my business to my ‘customers’. But, growing up no one recognized this was something I was passionate about and didn’t foster that business spirit in me. I was a stay at home mom and always had a side thing going. I went into teaching and had a full business on the side. Not because of money, but because I couldn’t deny the spirit in me that always wanted to be building something. But, it honestly wasn’t until 5 years ago that it clicked- “Oh, you’re an entrepreneur, Alexis!”.

Fast forward, I’ve build our company Ora Marketing, with my business partner where we work predominantly with recruiters, but I have a handful of other clients- mainly female CEOs. I’ve been in the personal brand and marketing world for 10 years now.

My goal with my Substack is to talk to the other builders. To women who have led multi-passionate lives. Who are mothers, and friends, and CEOs and founders and moms either with careers or ones on hold. Who care about intentionality in their lives. We care about rituals and skin care, spirituality. We wonder what is going on with our hormones and what work outs to do and what to eat. We love our kids and our partners and we also stress about being the best we can be for them and maintaining who we are in all we carry for others. We journal and take walks and want to know the best lipstick and leggings and all and everything in between.

I want my Substack to be like a walk and talk with your girlfriends where everything is on the table.

So let’s put on our comfy shoes (because I know we all have foot issues at our age), weighted vest optional (should we be doing this or are we over it?) and talk about how to build beautifully.

Alcohol (Or the lack thereof)

10 months ago I cut alcohol out. I always try to keep the explanation brief but people- mostly women- have so many questions. So I’ will keep it brief then ask my about anything else in detail. There wasn’t a problem, it was about optimizing my hormones. So I did a one month trial and after my lab work the results of hormone and other metric optimization was so obvious it would have been ridiculous to go back to regular drinking, so I cut it out. (I will say that when we travel I allow myself the option to drink if I want.) Seeing that almost every person I talk to wants to reduce their alcohol consumption, I’ll share with you what worked and helped me.

1. Knowledge is the ultimate mocktail.

   1. There wasn’t a mocktail or CBD drink or adaptogen drink that will ever substitute for what we ‘get’ from alcohol. The thing that made it truly easy for me was information. I read Quit Like a Woman, and honestly it’s almost all I needed. P.O.W.E.R.F.UL. Another good read is The Naked Mind. If you’re interest in cutting alcohol back or out, before you mind a drink substitute, you have to start with the knowledge.

2. If you really want to make changes, you can’t just drink less or only on the weekend.

   1. Buzz kill! (literally). But for a couple I had been drinking less and mostly just drinking on the weekend or events or date nights. And sure, it was less than normal. But with the alcohol in your system, you’re just thinking about when you drink. Honestly, drinking less is way harder than giving up alcohol. I hated the feeling like the nights I didn’t drink just weren’t as good and I was looking forward to the drinking nights. It made every other day feel less than a weekend day. Ultimately, I felt tethered and restricted. It’s just harder.

3. Stop obsessing over what you’re doing to do in social situations.

   1. You’re going to get a non-alcoholic drink and tell people you’re not drinking because its terrible for you and then keep talking and having fun. This part is SO overcomplicated.

4. Decide what you do like to drink.

a. Sure, try the mocktails which bars have now priced at actual cocktail prices to make us feel included (you bar managers/restaurant owners suck). Go to the store and buy every NA option and try at home. I’ve found I don’t really like any of them. Here’s what I like: sparkling water with bitters and lime, sparkling water with lime and a LMNT packet( tastes like a margarita), half fresh lemonade and half sparkling water, virgin spicy margarita and Zeevia.

Best decision I’ve made in recent years is cutting out alcohol. Beyond bloodwork that shows improvement, I just love not feeling like I need alcohol in my life. And that ‘stubborn weight’ that so many of us get in our 40s- alcohol was the glue that kept it on for me. Any questions our thoughts? Just use the “Leave a comment button” right here.

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Building A Better Day at Night

Anyone else wake up anxious? I used to describe it to my therapist as an undercurrent. I often don’t even know what I’m anxious about but I have this unsettled feeling. I would interrupt it by taking a little walk outside around my property before I settled into my morning routine and that perspective helped. But, I’ve come to understand something deeper that actually works to eliminate this.

Nightfall is a time of natural reflection. As the dark sets in and the light fades, we reflect. The season of winter is synonymous for a settling inward and we get a micro-taste of that every day. As women who hold many, many things, often our reflection is on what could have been better, what we did wrong, how we spoke to our children too harshly, how we didn’t get to connect with our partner, how we didn’t perform at work. And most nights, no matter how good the day, I fell asleep thinking about the missed opportunities, small or large negative interactions and my failures. All night long, I was feeding my poor subconscious the negative. No wonder I was waking up with an undercurrent of anxiety!

What I do at night now isn’t a lengthy routine or something structured (because I literally can’t handle another system or routine). I simply shift my focus as I’m falling asleep to the successes, the wins, positive things, steps on my journey, hope for better things, trust that situations will get better and go to bed with joyful, satiated thinking instead of falling asleep in deficit thinking. And what do you know- that morning anxiety is no longer there.

Making Night Time A Ritual

I love ritual and routine and the same goes for night time.

Let’s get back to some superfluous talk. I like to be in loungewear at night, but about 5 years ago I got rid of my raggedy loungewear- those old Ts we turn into pajama shits, the big loose sweatpants, oversized stained hoodies. I just wanted to feel comfortable but not haggard. So I threw all that out and made sure that my loungewear made me feel good, too. My current obsession is with Negative Underwear’s Whipped Line. I have their Henley, track pant, tank and french cut breif underwear. There is notthhhinngg else I am willing to put on the evening. I have some Lunya Silk jammies. Lovely. But no- all I want is my Negatives. Target’s sub-brand, Auden, currently has a Negative dupe line. I’ve seen them and felt them and they just aren’t at the level. That being said, they are a quarter of the price. All this to say, if you’ve been Negative curious- it’s worth the hype. 100x over.

On the note of the evening, a product I’ve used for about 5 years now, so it’s settled it’s way into a solidified part of my ritual and routine is Moon Juice MagensiOM. Most of us are magnesium deficient and it does a wonderful job calming our nervous system and helping regulate blood sugar. So before bed, I make my cup and drink it in bed. I love the flavor and how calming it is to have a warm cup of something. And I didn’t add it because I wasn’t sleeping well so I can’t say it helps me sleep better, but instead I’d say it’s a part of my evening routine that aids in my solid sleep.

I also love to read before bed so here are 3 of my most recent favorite novels. The View From Lake Como, Strangers in Time, A Thousand Feasts. The other thing always on my nigh stand because like a comforting blanket, Little Women is a novel I can pick up and open to any page and love reading. Do tell me yours, too. I keep a running list of things I want to read.

I do love a little dessert at night, though. I am telling you- these healthy, no sugar chocolate chip cookies are my favorite. They come together fast and I love having one with my MagnesiOm and reading.

1 c almond butter (it needs to be smooth)

1/2 c coconut sugar

1 egg

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

3/4 c. chocolate chips or chunks

Bake at 350 for 11 minutes

Have a beautiful week, friends.

I used to be an English teacher and everything you’d think and English teacher loves, I do. But what I didn’t realize about myself until the last 7 years was how much I loved data and metrics. As a business owner, I love using data to drive decisions. I create color-coded spreadsheets. I show clients reports with charts and numbers. I recently created a spreadsheet with multiple tabs outlining college debt vs. earning potential and living wages for my daughter considering different professions. I love to use it to give a weight to ideas and make predictions that actually are rooted in something factual. As a business owner, even as a mom, I rely on data a lot.

But this week I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, Second Life, where Hillary Kerr was interviewing Melissa Morris, founder of Metier Luxury Handbags and she said something that really made me think. Melissa talked about the danger of data and how since there is so much of it, we often look backwards too much and aren’t allowing their intuition to guide them forward. Data feels safe. It feels comfortable because we can almost, to a fault, rely on it. But, when she said this I thought about the ways it has the potential to limit us- especially as women. We are gifted with an inner sense, a seeing and often a knowing. And if we mute that, dilute it or silence it by relying to heavily on the metrics of things, we’ve potentially lost the thing that add that unspoken thing to what we do.

When I look back, I don’t think intuition has ever led me astray.

So I have an invitation this week. Spend some time reflecting or journaling on a list. First, what decisions-bad or good- have you made from intuition? Secondly, what decisions-bad or good- have you made from data? Analyze that list and what does that data tell you? (I couldn’t help it.) Where have you seen evidence of the power of your intuition? And then, trust yourself. We question our value, our choices and often our worth. It’s important to take time to honor the decisions we’ve made and helped others make and have the confidence beyond the data.

Style:

Like many of you, I work from home. I ride that very fine line between professional and comfortable in what I wear in my day to day. On workout days, I’m fine wearing workout clothes. But, I really try on non-workout days to dress myself.

I have found my perfect combination for chic comfort that’s become one of my weekly outfits. I love the Sezane Max Shirt in an oversized size. I have it in this stripe, the denim is fantastic and also has snap buttons. Then I love my Quince Cashmere Cardigan over my shoulder which keeps me warm and feeling cozy. Then I scored this pair of looser fitting, low vintage Levis and I really love the fit for around the house. This outfit is loose, effortless and doesn’t limit me whether I’m standing on a call or curled up with my computer on the couch.

Beauty:

I don’t know how to narrow this down. I love all things beauty, anti-aging, skin care, body care. If you’re a client, we’ve probably talked about skincare on a call. But this month, I’ll start with 2 less conventional items.

At the age of 46, I’m not just thinking about my face aging well, I’ve been thinking about my hands. I started to make sure I’m regularly putting sunscreen on them, but also added Paume Hand Serum right before bed to help rejuvenate our hands which get so much sun exposure and wear and tear with washing. It’s a great price point, too.

Another thing I’ve been thinking of is my body skin. With a decrease in collagen I’ve definitely noticed my skin being crepier. I am trying OneSkin Topical Supplement. NOT a bargain, $99 for ‘lotion’ makes me gulp every time. But, I obsess over my face-care, why not my body. I just got my 3rd bottle. So I’ll keep you in the loop on an increase in skin texture if you don’t want to invest yet.

Strategy:

I’m going to offer some brand advice that I think leans into our inspiration for the month. If you’re someone that is marketing your business or brand, I’m going to encourage you to create one post a week that follows your intuition. Don’t think about data, formula, metrics, success- any of the things I actually coach clients in. This month, create one thing a week that only answers to one thing: your intuition. It can be creative in any ways that you want or as simple as you’re being led to. But, ask yourself then answer the call by taking action on it.

Food:

I know the seasons have turned the corner for so many of us, no matter where you are. One thing I love year round- Pho. WHY is it so comforting and perfect every time? I have a really easy make it home recipe. My favorite thing about this is you don’t need to make anything else. It has the protein, carb and veggies all in one.

Pho Recipe

Warm the following spices in a pan

6 whole star anise

12 whole cloves

2 whole cinnamon sticks

2 black cardamom pods or seeds

2 tablespoon fennel seeds

2 tablespoon coriander seeds

Put them in a coffee filter and tie with twine to create a spice sack.

In a stock pot, add 1 tsp neutral flavored oil.

When warm add:

1/2 thinly sliced yellow onion

2 inch piece of ginger chopped

Next add 2 bone in, skin on chicken breasts to brown (make sure you’ve salted them well). If you want to use rotisserie chicken, just shred it up and throw it in.

When browned and onions are translucent, add

4 c. Chicken broth

2 c. Water

Spice sack

2 tsp salt

1 tbsp. Sugar

Bring to a boil, then lower the heat and add the lid cracked for 30 min.

Remove the chicken, cool and shred and add back to the soup.

When ready, bring another pot of water to a boil. Add

1 head of chopped broccoli

Once tender, remove and boil 1 pack of rice noodles in the same water(no need to dirty two pans)

Add broccoli and noodles to the soup and garnish with cilantro, basil, lime wedges, jalapeño, Sriracha, Hoison, bean sprouts

That’s it for this week’s Lex Letters. I’ll be sure to curate more things that help us build beautifully in all areas of our life.